So I guess he left yesterday. Hmph. Welp, good luck with life dude. I had a dream about him last night. It was a good dream. Teeheehee.

My friends are all back in town. I haven't hung out with them though and probably won't much while they're here. I hung out with Emily but that's just sort of a given. Chris...yeah that probably wont happen. Anybody at Tonya's house is definitely not going to happen due to prior incidents in and around that household...heh...Dylan..I could care less. Kyle...likewise. Kara...maybe. We'll see. Depending upon if she even knows about me which, if she does, then that'll definitely be a big N-O. Ahhhg. I just want to meet new people already. Interesting people who equally find me interesting who don't think I constantly bitch, who aren't trying to get ass from me, who don't talk shit about me day in and day out. Beautiful people who will help me revert back to the caring, hardworking, persevering, innocent person I used to be. Isn't it nice to want.

With wishing in mind, Betsy and Christian talked me into going to Oregon for college. I have nothing here. I have my dad. And I love him very, very much. I have Emily. But it's just time to move on. Everybody knows I've been wanting to go somewhere far, far away for a really long time now. And I shouldn't back down from this opportunity just because I'm afraid. Of COURSE I'm going to be afraid. It's on the complete opposite side of the country! It's away from anything I have ever known. And that's the beauty of it. I don't want to stick with what I know and what I'm comfortable with. I need to get out there and do something with myself and it's not going to happen until I get a fresh start. The only place I can get a completely fresh start is if I drop everything I know and get thrown into something I've never experienced before. Yes, happiness is not a place but a state of mind. My state of mind, however, is too comfortable with its surroundings and needs a kick in the ass. If that means going all the way to the other side of the country to study Psychology, then so be it.

But God. What if I didn't even get in? Man what a shot to the balls that would be. I'm a little afraid that I'm not good enough for them. Like, the average high school gpa for entering freshmen there was like, a 3.54. Damn. I only had a 3.182. Even though I could've gotten a 3.5 given different circumstances but still. I'm at the bottom of their entering freshmen. That kinda sucks. I have nothing to show them that could possibly impress. I have no extracurricular activities, no community service, yeah I got all A's and B's but still. I just...wouldn't be impressed if I was one of them. I didn't do too well on my ACT. I got a 21. Which isn't bad but it's not good. I don't want to take it again. I've taken it twice already and both times got a 21. Maybe that's all I'm capable of. Maybe I'm not as "smart" as I think I am. Maybe I just talk myself up to feel better. Who knows. I know more than you're average person, just not enough to be considered "one of the smarter ones." Why this is such a big deal to me, I don't know. Probably because it's the only thing I've thought I've had going for me besides music. Music just seems like a dead-end thing for me though which is why I don't persue it as a career. I'm just..not into music as much as I used to be. If I had some lessons or something maybe I'd go for it. But talent can only take you so far without any vast knowledge on the subject. All the great musicians had SOME form of training at some point in their lives. I've never had any kind of training and I've hit that point where I know I COULD do this but don't have the money to seek lessons and therefore can't further my knowledge of music. Well, I guess I COULD teach myself and get a whole bunch of books but even still..what a challenge that could be. I don't have the time to sit around and learn music all day. Though I wish I did but I don't. Nor do I have the patience. Maybe I'm just making up excuses.

I need a leap of faith. Why is it everytime it comes down to it, I end up thinking poorly of myself? I hate these kinds of entries. The ones where you're like,"Oh, poor me, I hate myself so I'm gonna cut my wrists to get attention." Not that this is anything like that, because I'm not that pathetic. At all. But anyway, I was talking to Betsy and I started doing the whole re-think and overanalyze my decisions thing and she was like,"you know what Vicky, fuck you. fuck you for doing this. fuck." and I was like,"..doing what?" and she was like,"you KNOW what you're doing. fuck. If you're too fucking afraid then fucking forget it. God. Vicky COME ON. Take a fucking leap of faith." And she's kind of right. I DO need a leap of faith. It's just...it seems so hard you know? All these people who go on to do great things have people behind them the entire time, encouraging them, helping them. I'm just fucking LOST when it comes to this shit. It's hard when you don't even KNOW what you want. You think I know what I want? I have no idea what I want! I'm at the point where I know everything I've been told as a child was a lie but still feel compelled to do the "dream" thing. I mean, I know I can't go anywhere without any kind of destination. And this is where the "dream" part comes in. But in terms of "dreams", I don't have any at all. This is where the "I know better" part comes in. People have GOALS. They no longer have dreams and I wish that dreams DID come true but, for the most part, I know they don't. I can have goals. I cannot have dreams. I can be passionate about a certain goal but can't consider it a DREAM. On the subject of goals, maybe I should set some. Maybe herein lies the problem. Here I am. Talking about goals vs. dreams and yet have neither. So...right now, I'm going to set some goals. They aren't going to be too accurate since I am on the spot right now and haven't given this much thought at all but here goes.

5 Goals for next year: (Let's start small, in no particular order)
1. Save up $1000+
2. Get into/go to a college far away
3. Write a song
4. Read 10 books
5. Befriend 5 people

10 Goals for the next 5 years: (Yet again, in no particular order)
1. Graduate from an accredited 4-year college, earning a B.A. or B.S. in Psychology
2. Save up $5000+
3. Go to another country, whether it be for school or pleasure
4. Learn 2 foreign languages in college, hopefully being able to speak fluently in both by the time I graduate
5. Help my father with whatever he needs, like he's always wanted me to
6. Help Joanna, Natalie, Frankie, Ma, Alyssa, Isaac, and Dave with whatever they may need
7. Meet an interesting boy...????
8. Change/influence somebody for the better
9. Read the bible for the sake of a ligitamit(I have NO idea how to spell this and my dictionary refuses to tell me so this is how it will be spelled) argument in the future
10. Tell my mother I love her

I think that's a nice start. I should put that on paper because I know in 5 years I'm not going to be referring back to my livejournal. Hehe. Well, that's all for now. Maybe this will give me SOME sense of direction....wish me luck.